Eff PR -I want to be a mahout when I grow up

My life is complete.

I wasn’t wearing a loin cloth, but I did indeed make it to elephant camp.

The first full day in Kanchanaburi included a fun-filled adventure of elephant camp and rafting. The rafting was cool. But the elephant trekking was, well, elephant trekking. Clearly this was the highlight.

Elephants are amazing. And slightly hairier than I imagined. And really not smelly at all, which is stunning considering how smelly I always am in this country.

I mean, I’m not as smelly as Nate, but I don’t smell like roses either. Perfume attracts bugs, so I had to cut that shit out.

Our little baby elephant was a doll face, and didn’t even require a rider/driver for most of the trip. Our mahout (elephant driver dude) actually jumped off and stole my camera for most of the ride – the Thais love taking pics, apparently. So I have a whole photo shoot of the adventure, as well as a lovely picture of elephant appendage. See below.


It’s only like that when they pee – but still man, that’s a seriously apparatus.

I was really just giddy with delight the entire time I was on this thing. Seriously. Giddy and excited and a little terrified that I would fall off this dinky bench they strapped to the elephant and plummet to my death.

Mostly I was just excited though.

We got a chance to ride on the neck of the elephants too, which is where the mahouts usually ride. Yessssssss. So basically you just brace yourself on the ears and head of this thing and hope that it likes you.

I heart elephants. I can’t wait for the other elephant camp. Where I get to stay overnight and perform in the elephant show. OMG.

Eff PR - I want to be a mahout when I grow up.

I know you want to send me things

Just in case you were wondering, I heart snail mail. A lot.

Soooo, if you are ever in the mood to send some along, you can reach me at the following address:

Lisa Travnik
HangChat Wittaya School
166 Moo 5 Chammadevee Rd
HangChat, Lampang, 52190
Thailand

Packaged goods would be deeply appreciated. Like trail mix. Or granola bars.

If you could mail me a great salad, that would be nice too. With a grande soy latte.

Or maybe Hanes-style white tees and tank tops - I brought a bunch, but a little run-in with the Thai laundry system has left me with a large pile of faded pink attire. More on that to come.

I'm just kidding on the last one. Unless you really want to send them.

If you want to call or text, I do have a cell phone, but I'm not sure how much that will cost you. It's pretty cheap on my end. From the states, I think you would dial 011 for the international code, 66 for Thailand, and my number. So, it would be:

001-66-087-408-7336

I think.

Hope to hear from all of you soon, in one form or another.

Sawatdee ka!

The Grand Palace is very grand indeed

So, I’m obviously a little behind in the posting department. Sorry. I keep writing these blogs, but I refuse to post without the pictures to go along with it. And since SOME PEOPLE named Kim are holding crucial evidence hostage, I’ve been a bit delayed.

Plus, I’m lazy. And the Internet is slow.

In any case, while in Bangkok we visited the Grand Palace, which was very grand indeed. To be honest, I had a hard time focusing and understanding all of the information provided by our lovely tour guide. The only line I could really make out was “take picture now.”

We visited the Emerald Buddha, which used to be housed in Lampang. The Palace and the Buddha are pretty much the must-see attraction of the city.

The Emerald Buddha is actually made of a single piece of jade, not emeralds, and is a little smaller than I imagined. He’s still extraordinary, I’m just saying.

The Buddha has 3 different outfits for 3 different seasons – but I promise, his wardrobe is much cooler than yours. All are made of solid gold and the changes are handled by the King himself. Or, I guess his son now. He’s super old - but everyone loves him anyways.

I mean, really. Who gets dressed by the King?

Marianne and I managed to get a front row seat in the temple holding the Buddha. I was a little awe struck – the whole sight is simply amazing. And really really hot.

I’ve attached pics – they really say it all. Look for more on my FB.

FACT: Disneyland ain’t got nothin’ on the Happy Beer Garden

Walt Disney had many loves in his life – Hitler, dancing plush mice, Singha. His passion fueled the creation of a multi-billion dollar empire that manages to suck the life out of helpless parents while providing smiles to children around the world. Happy memories live on through cheap branded goods sewn by children in Asian sweatshops. Made with love. And smiles. And rainbows.

God, I miss my stuffed Mickey. Insert tear.

Now much older and wiser, I’ve made it my mission to find a place that can provide the same warm fuzzies to even the biggest kids. Don’t we deserve a little love?

My friends, I am to say that I believe I have succeeded.

The place: Happy Beer Garden
The person: Joi

Joi, the Happy Beer Garden’s happiest gardener, spreads her love and happiness in the form of Sigha and Thai whisky. In a world decorated with spring break on steroids light fixtures and tiki-esque décor, Joi delivers service with a smile that would please even the most jet-lagged farang.

But what makes the Happy Beer Garden more special than any other place in the world?
- Joi. Even while stumbling drunk, she manages to entertain and serve in one seamless swoop.
- Frozen face wipes. In the heat of Bangkok, a frosted wipe can provide orgasm-inducing refreshment.
- Aussies/Brits/other white people making fools of themselves. It’s entertainment that money can’t buy.
- Location. Within stumbling distance of Patpong, Bangkok’s notorious red light district, the possibility of continuing the night with more bad decision making is at your fingertips.
- Food. While Happy Beer Garden has a limited offering of Thai basics, CarPark culinary delights are just a stone’s toss away.
- Joi again. She takes more pictures than the paparazzi. With your camera.

Without effort, Joi has effectively become the hero in my personal Bangkok fairytale. A knight in shining armor to rescue me from the unbearable ailments of heat and sobriety.

So, if for no other reason, visit Bangkok for Joi. She will change your life.

If nothing else, she’ll take really great pictures of you. Drinking Singha.


(This post is dedicated to Joi. I couldn't have done it without you. I love you.)

This will eventually turn into a real travel blog ...

But until then, I'm having too much fun sharing my sarcastic interpretations of Bangkok. Just hang in there guys.

Thanks for all of the birthday wishes - it's almost over here in BK. And yes, I'm sober and writing on my blog. On my birthday. I started celebrating last night ... so I need to rest a bit ;)

Lesson Neung

So far, here’s what I’ve learned about Thailand.

- Porn means beautiful.
- Ping pong is not just a game best played with large cups of beer.
- Little spicy = so spicy your mouth goes numb and you can’t taste anything at all.
- Chooch dee means cheers.
- I’m white. Therefore, I’m rich.
- The same way Westerners use tanning lotions, Thais use whitening lotions. Vaseline White seems to be popular.
- Beer is expensive here.

Umm, I'm here

With the blessings of sunny skies, life-saving airport staff and an uncharacteristic bout of reliability on the part of American Airlines, I have arrived in Bangkok. Safely. With all of my luggage. Only 30 minutes late.

Luggage that will hold all 77 lbs of clothes and useless toiletries = $200
Tiny Thai airplane neighbor who doesn’t speak English or take up too much room = Priceless

Upon arrival, I find Bangkok to be extremely hot, humid and completely translated into English for my convenience. The language barrier is more of an accent issue. Or just trying to get a Thai to understand that you are not a millionaire. So sorry, no exciting stories on the “Lisa speaks Thai” front. Yet.

My days have been filled with the obligatory first date-style conversations with my 70+ classmates for the week. Think of it as your first week of college in the dorms - lots of hellos, tons of free food, unnecessary information, awkward glances, memorizing the name/university/hometown of each participant.

People trying to get laid. Resulting gossip.

Beer. Beer. Beer.

Or Singha, if you want to be more specific. I am in Thailand after all.