Meet the Catueys - a video from class

The students in one of my elective classes asked me to sing a song. I told them to sing a song. Then I requested one in English.

One of my catueys, or lady-boy students, was elected by the class to sing. This is what he chose.

Priceless. Truly.

Adventures in Chiang Mai - aka the longest blog post ever

For our first weekend in the North, Nate, Kelly, Marianne and I decided to make the trek to Chiang Mai and see for ourselves what the city was all about. For those of us in Lampang, the journey was supposed to take 1.5 hours by a bus “that comes every 10 minutes or so.” Riiiiight.

Thais will always tell you what they think you want to hear, whether it’s true or not. This is important to bear in mind when asking important questions.

In any case, we found a lovely old lady who was willing to help get us on a bus. Which turned into a train. Which got us to Chiang Mai exactly 4 hours later than we expected to get there.

The amazing thing was that Kelly and Marianne had magically stumbled onto the very same God-forsaken train 13 hours earlier, in some random town that was ONLY a bus ticket, pickup truck hitchhike and motorbike cab ride away from where they were staying in BFE.

Like I said – MAGIC.

When they strolled down the aisle we were thrilled. I was a little tipsy from the huge Singha that Nate had picked up at the train station, so I think I was more amused than was truly appropriate. Whatevs.

We made it to Chiang Mai in decent-ish time and were immediately attacked by evil mini-bus drivers trying to rip us off. Being adventurous farangs, we decided to go with private transportation – a ride in the oldest Buick ever, operated by the oldest man ever, who couldn’t manage to turn off the left turn signal or even start the thing without some assistance.

Thank you, Thailand.

The first night was drunken and fun. Halloween isn’t that huge in Thailand, but we did see a few costumes. Blah blah.

The next day we ventured out for some attempted shopping, which was sorta lame. So we decided to take another little adventure, minibus style, and go to Doi Suthep, a mountain that sits just outside the city and is topped with a gorgeous pavilion overlooking the city and an awesome temple. This was a great idea.

We rented a mini-bus to get there. I copied Nate and huge out the back.

Obviously, these are images from the temple.







We are wearing crazy Thai gear that you have to put on to cover your legs and shoulders out of respect for the temple. Stupid farang, forgot about this rule.













After trekking back into town and relaxing a bit, we went for the gold – the Muy Thai boxing gold, that is. Muy Thai, or Thai boxing, is the national sport of this fine land, and I now know why.

The “ring” was in a “stadium” that was surrounded by a bunch of little bars, all run by drag queens. It was made into a “ring” because of some tacky banners, which I was led under once I showed my ticket. “Ring side seats,” which we paid a premium for, were inevitable – seating was only 2 or 3 tables deep around the entire ring. Heavy-weights only went up to 135kg. Between each of the 7 fights, the drag queens put on dance and karaoke shows to your favorite English tunes – my personal note was YMCA. Thank you Marianne for capturing this all on film.

Are you getting the picture here? One can only hope.

This is my favorite drag queen, but only because of her shirt. W$%?

So we’re drinking our 9th Singha, watching these little shits kick the hell out of each other, which was actually a lot of fun. We did a little random betting, danced with the drag queens, etc.

Thhheeeenn, this hot WHITE dude gets up there. With chest hair and everything. And he does the little Thai dance, and gets kicked around, and then totally knocks this Thai dude unconscious.

Panty melt.

Marianne, who has huge balls and does whatever she wants, gets up and introduces herself. And me and Kelly. To Julien, the hot, French/American Thai boxer who wants us to go out dancing with him later in the night.


Umm, yes please.

So the fighting ends, we grab a tuk-tuk and head out.

We get to Warm-ups, apparently the best dance club in Chiang Mai, where we dance like assholes for hours until the turn they lights on and kick us out. And we never find the fighter. But it’s cool, ‘cause we’re drunk and dancing.

As we’re stumbling to the next dance spot, who should Marianne trip on … but Julien.

YAY.

He’s trained in Thai massage, ladies. He showed us.

So we jump on random motorbikes – I’m squeezed between the fighter and his hot British roommate – and make it to a bar that is actually a broken down retro van that serves drinks to people standing outside. Where we continue to drink into all hours of the night. Julien breaks up a fight, Marianne shuts down the old Aussy. Blah blah.

We decide it’s time to go home. Or swim. Me in my clothes. After totally harassing Nate, who’s sound asleep and should have slapped me for being such an ass.

Then the hostel owners yelled at us and told us we can’t have more towels and get out of the damn pool in your underwear.

Then the sun came up, and we realized it was 7am and the girls had to catch a bus at 8.

And then I found a dollar.

And had a huge massive enormous hangover. But a very relaxed back. And wet panties, for various reasons.

It was raining all night. And I jumped in the pool.

The end.


Special thanks go out to Marianne for allowing me to rip off her pics. Apparently the English ARE good for something.

Welcome to HangChat Wittaya School

A few snapshots of my life at HangChat Wittaya School

Farangs travel to Lanna (the North)

After being told that it was against some kind of Thai labor law to make anyone move my 88 lbs of luggage onto a plane, I did some negotiating, rearranged a few things, dished out 500 baht and rewarded myself for a job well done with a little Burger King.

I don’t know the last time I had BK. It may or may not have been in Mexico.

After a short, pleasant plane ride we landed in Chiang Mai, the San Francisco of Thailand. If Thailand were California.

Some people get this comparison. Others blink a lot and nod slowly.

I've included a map. If this doesn't help, just move on. And face the fact that you're not very bright.

Basically, Chiang Mai is the cooler, hipper, northern alternative to Bangkok. In my opinion, a superior alternative.

We were met by an entourage of Thai teachers from HangChat to welcome us into our new positions. It was adorable, and really hasn’t stopped. I mean, it’s like we’re Brad and Angelina over here. At least on school grounds.

The people in Lampang and HangChat are extremely friendly – especially the school staff. Alex, our coordinator, and Pan, who’s taken it upon herself to be our caretaker, are a couple of blessings in a sea of mosquitoes. And ants. And screaming kids. They cart us around, feed us, take us on field trips and generally act as our parents in Thailand.

Alex is our official contact and the head of the English department at school. Annnnd, he’s super cool and hilarious. He’s totally fluent in English and makes dirty jokes. He explained to me that the herbs served with lunch are to boost my sex drive, and explained that under no circumstances does he serve them to his wife. This is just one of many examples.

Sawatdee ka, Alex.

Pan is my conservative mother figure – she’s super sweet, if not a little overbearing at times. So far so good, I’ve dodged her disapproving glances well. She sort of reminds me of my Mexican host mother. She likes to hold my hand while we’re shopping, I’m thinking to show me off? I’m like a doll, I suppose. But she feeds me and buys me coffee, so I’m ok with it.

I think she understood that she was becoming the “uncool” teacher, because the last time she took us out, I got a little wasted. On daiquiris. Yay rum!


Sawatdee ka, Pan.

The rest of the staff is equally amazing – Noi, Took and Ning.

Took is actually the “madame” of the city, meaning she’s a beauty queen who managed to snag the city sheriff. Yup, that’s right. Sheriff. They use that word. So whenever they refer to the madame and the sheriff, we can’t do anything to hold back the giggles. Unfortunately,
the two of them got transferred back to Chiang Mai, and there was a big party in their honor. And they wore cowboy outfits. Amazing.

The other two are sweet hearts, although much more quiet. Then there are there are the teachers outside of the English department, whose names I can never remember, who like to poke and me and take pictures with me.

More on these characters to come. I'm sure of it.

In case you want more pictures ....

... and for some reason you're not on Facebook, or connected to me, or whatever, you can access my current albums at the following links:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2243696&l=a188a&id=22400081
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2251319&l=40d83&id=22400081
http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2251322&l=2fcea&id=22400081

They're not that exciting, but whatever. My life is still cooler than yours.

J/k. Sorta.

Lesson Sawng

Here are a few more fun facts I’ve acquired during my weeks here in Thailand:

Thai mosquitoes = death
I’m not sure what it is about the bugs here, but they are serious. Even the city ones are vicious in a way that literally makes me scared to leave the house sometimes. Luckily, the temperature has dropped considerably, so I’ve been mostly covered in pants and long sleeves. Not that it really stops the big ones.

Now my feet are just covered in bumps. Even the bottoms. No joke.

Showers are luxuries, not necessities
We JUST got a water pump installed in our house, thank god. But before that, I was limited in availability of water pressure and/or hot water. So it was cold bucket showers on 50 degree mornings. Awesome.

My hair has never been so dirty.

Toilets are luxuries too
I have officially mastered the Thai squat toilet. Yess. See below for a sample.


Roosters are terrible, evil things
They are everywhere, although less abundant at school than they were in the city. And they make noise allllll dayyyyyy. Starting at 4am. If you want more info on this, ask Juliette.

This is not a pleasant way to wake up.

Thai food is for every meal
Breakfast? Lunch? Snack? Dinner? All looks the same here, kids. A variety of rice (sticky, fried, plain, boiled, jasmine?) with some meat (almost always pork) with some crazy spices (chile) and a side of random weeds (I’ve been told that they improve sex drive and overall health). If you’re eating with sticky rice, no fork or spoon required. It’s all about hands, baby.

Side note – I’m the worst food orderer ever. Luckily, Thai’s always order as a group and share everything. BONUS.

I was wrong - there is a serious language barrier
Remember when I said it was all translated for my convenience? True in the big city – so NOT true here. The possibilities for confusion are endless.

So far I know how to say rice, pork, chicken, hello, thank you, and you?, goodbye, egg, fried, drunk, how much?, what’s this?, I don’t understand, I don’t speak Thai, I speak a little Thai, no, yes, and a few other random words. Let’s hope this expands.

GOOD NEEEEEEWWWWWSSSSSS

I FINALLY figured out how to hook up my MacBook to the school internet system. Special thanks go out to the little help dude who made it all possible.

So now I can blog. Regularly. And be a huge nerd every night, typing things up to post in the morning. And Facebook can be updated with pictures!!!

I know, small thrills. But with no TV or DVD player, the internet is my only outlet. I was feeling a little lost for a while. But I have learned how to play Rummy and beat my teacher's ass at it. Thanks Nate.

YAY. Stay tuned for all the promised updates. It's so close now you can feel it.

Oh, and I'm 23 now.

While you're waiting for info on more interesting topics, here are a few pics of the embarrassing celebration that was my birthday. I had just finished getting an amazing Thai massage, so I'm barely coherent when Phil pulled me on stage. See above.

All of the October birthdays celebrated with a bunch of cute little cakes with icing pools on them. YAY cake!

Sorry for the delay ...

Ugh, sorry guys. I didn't mean for this to turn into the blog that was never updated .... but a crazy week prevented me from getting internet. Aaand, I have yet to find somewhere to plug in my computer, so I can't put pics up. Blast.

In any case, I am officially living in the jungle. We've affectionatly named our new pad the Jungle Bungelow. Cute, right?

We moved in last week after a nutso weekend in Chaing Mai. More to come on that.

Nate's mastered the motorbike, while I'm still learning. We celebrated our successful move with a trip to a Thai po-dunk karaoke bar. Again, more to come on this.

Oh, and we got kidnapped this weekend and sent on a mountain adventure. Which was ok, until I busted my leg a few miles from civilization. In flip flops.

All in all, teaching is amazing - the kids are almost always making me laugh. Even when they're trying to torture me.

I have a great video of them for you too .... UGH. I need to find internet for my laptop!

Our house is nice, but not without its quirks. We have lots of roommates - huge spiders, centipedes the size of snakes, and at least 6 geckos. We're ok with them, but they need to be potty trained.

I've also adopted the Thai showering system - AKA, fill up a bucket and dump. Quickly. We have "running, hot water," but it takes at least 20 minutes to warm up and only dribbles. Seriously, who has time for that?

Just make sure there isn't a snakes in the bucket BEFORE dumping on your head ;)

WRITE ME please! Or snail mail me. Or something.

Ping pong is not just a sport best played with frat boys and cups of PBR

Anyone who knows me well realizes that I sometimes jump into things without knowing exactly what’s happening. I don’t like to waste time on silly things like planning. I’d rather do something more useful. Like take a nap. Or cure AIDS.

What I’m trying to say here is that I wasn’t quite sure what I was getting myself into with this whole Bangkok thing. I figured I’d just find out when I got there.

There was nothing in the world that could prepare me for the freak show that is Patpong, Bangkok’s notorious red light district.

Raunchy? Twisted? Obscene? You don’t know the half of it my friends.

The evening started off well – a stroll down the street, a few pics in front of inappropriate signs. Etc, etc. Hustlers at all sides trying to steer us into various establishments that were clearly full of naked Thai women. Nothing I couldn’t handle.

Then we moved on to the Happy Beer Garden, which was, indeed, very very happy. See above post for more details.

But then, after a paparazzi-esque photo shoot by Joi, we decided to move on to bigger and better things, a-la the Ping Pong show.

Choque dee kaa, my friends.

I’ve included an image of the menu from said show.

Exactly.

Yup.

That’s what it really said.

After some attempted bartering, we agreed on a price and headed to the shadiest bar ever, where we witnessed a few performances from this menu.

I was not prepared for the literal interpretation. The girls literally used their private parts to do tricks. They played ring toss, popped balloons with little darts, and, per our special request, launched ping pong balls. At me. Hands free, out of their vagina. While smiling.

One landed in my lap.

GROSS GROSS GROSS.

I’ve learned that they are able to pass razor blades, smoke and shoot bananas in this manner as well. Just like the menu says. I have it on good authority.

I still can’t confirm how they cut bananas. I’m sure I’ll live happily without ever really knowing.

I can’t explain to you how non-sexy this was. It was just a freak show. Complete with a lady-man. Apparently the Thai are totally accepting of transgendered people. Even some of my male students already wear lipstick.

In any case, after the ping pong show ended, we were totally jumped by what I would call the “mamas” of the place. They blocked our way, blinded us with intense flashlights and demanded 1000 baht each. F#$%!!!!

We had agreed to 100 baht each. Notice the extra zero.

There was a lot of drama and attitude exchanged at this point, with a very clear threat of physical harm coming from these bitches. If looks could kill, I would be dead. Death by ping pong.

Just to emphasize her point, the mama actually went as far as to pound a Tupperware dish in front of me that was full of water and the ping pong balls that had just be launched at me by the magic pussy. As if it’s not going to haunt me for the rest of my life already?

Thanks for reminding me pussy-mama. I almost forgot what we were talking about.

Anyways, we each made it out alive, having paid only 200 or 300 baht each. We’re not sure how this happened. All I know is that I yelled, other girls yelled, and I slapped the dirty-ass table with my 200 baht and walked away looking pissed.

Looking back, there’s a good chance that I was one step away from being sold into sex slavery.

I’ll never ever look at beer pong the same way again.