Ping pong is not just a sport best played with frat boys and cups of PBR

Anyone who knows me well realizes that I sometimes jump into things without knowing exactly what’s happening. I don’t like to waste time on silly things like planning. I’d rather do something more useful. Like take a nap. Or cure AIDS.

What I’m trying to say here is that I wasn’t quite sure what I was getting myself into with this whole Bangkok thing. I figured I’d just find out when I got there.

There was nothing in the world that could prepare me for the freak show that is Patpong, Bangkok’s notorious red light district.

Raunchy? Twisted? Obscene? You don’t know the half of it my friends.

The evening started off well – a stroll down the street, a few pics in front of inappropriate signs. Etc, etc. Hustlers at all sides trying to steer us into various establishments that were clearly full of naked Thai women. Nothing I couldn’t handle.

Then we moved on to the Happy Beer Garden, which was, indeed, very very happy. See above post for more details.

But then, after a paparazzi-esque photo shoot by Joi, we decided to move on to bigger and better things, a-la the Ping Pong show.

Choque dee kaa, my friends.

I’ve included an image of the menu from said show.

Exactly.

Yup.

That’s what it really said.

After some attempted bartering, we agreed on a price and headed to the shadiest bar ever, where we witnessed a few performances from this menu.

I was not prepared for the literal interpretation. The girls literally used their private parts to do tricks. They played ring toss, popped balloons with little darts, and, per our special request, launched ping pong balls. At me. Hands free, out of their vagina. While smiling.

One landed in my lap.

GROSS GROSS GROSS.

I’ve learned that they are able to pass razor blades, smoke and shoot bananas in this manner as well. Just like the menu says. I have it on good authority.

I still can’t confirm how they cut bananas. I’m sure I’ll live happily without ever really knowing.

I can’t explain to you how non-sexy this was. It was just a freak show. Complete with a lady-man. Apparently the Thai are totally accepting of transgendered people. Even some of my male students already wear lipstick.

In any case, after the ping pong show ended, we were totally jumped by what I would call the “mamas” of the place. They blocked our way, blinded us with intense flashlights and demanded 1000 baht each. F#$%!!!!

We had agreed to 100 baht each. Notice the extra zero.

There was a lot of drama and attitude exchanged at this point, with a very clear threat of physical harm coming from these bitches. If looks could kill, I would be dead. Death by ping pong.

Just to emphasize her point, the mama actually went as far as to pound a Tupperware dish in front of me that was full of water and the ping pong balls that had just be launched at me by the magic pussy. As if it’s not going to haunt me for the rest of my life already?

Thanks for reminding me pussy-mama. I almost forgot what we were talking about.

Anyways, we each made it out alive, having paid only 200 or 300 baht each. We’re not sure how this happened. All I know is that I yelled, other girls yelled, and I slapped the dirty-ass table with my 200 baht and walked away looking pissed.

Looking back, there’s a good chance that I was one step away from being sold into sex slavery.

I’ll never ever look at beer pong the same way again.