NYE Shit-Show Extravaganza – Part 1

If you’ve even been glancing at this blog recently, you know that I’ve been creating quite a buildup for my NYE plans – a week on the islands, culminating in the huge Full Moon-wannabe NYE party on Koh Phang-Nga. I like to create dramatic build-ups.

Like now.

Are you ready?

The Saturday after Christmas, Nate and I set off for the south on the longest bus ride journey ever. It started with a freezing motorbike ride at 7am, and finally ended some 30ish hours later on Sunday afternoon.

We managed to easily snag a bus ride down to Bangkok at 8:30am. We should have walked – we would have gotten there faster. It took 3 hours longer than it should have to get there, which meant that almost all of the bus lines were closing down for the night. And, of course, there were NO busses to Koh Samui, or Surat Thani, or anything remotely near our destination until Monday at the earliest. Excellent.

We split up and ran around franticly knocking on all of the windows, trying to find SOMETHING that wouldn’t leave us stranded in Bangkok for 2 days. I ran over at least 3 people with my rolling duffle bag.

Finally, someone said “Sure, we have a bus tonight. It leaves at 9:30. First class, 500 baht each.”

A few things should have made me think that this didn’t sound right. The price was too low, the timing sounded too perfect, and we didn’t actually get tickets. Instead we got a slip of paper, which was handed off to an old sly-looking man, who led us all the way out to the very last bus stop in the station, in the very very far corner.

I was too distracted by joy to notice all of the caution signs. And Nate was hungry, so his brain wasn’t working. The 10-hour bus ride made him a crabby pants.

We sat around and waited for the magical bus. Other Thai and farang travelers were in the same boat as us, so that was a good sign.

I made friends with the vendors and their kids to pass the time. This effort was greatly supported by the Pez that my mom sent me in the care package glory of 2008. I took sooooo many Pez virginities that night, it was fantastic.

You never know how popular you can be until you stand at a Thai bus stop with a little Santa figure that spits out sugar tablets. Laced with red dye #392. Or something like that.

Side note – anyone else ever notice how red Pez taste JUST like Swedish Fish? I mean it.

So our bus finally pulls up – it’s def VIP class, looks clean, and is relatively on time. Nice.

We check and double check that it’s going to Surat Thani – other travelers do the same. We are shown our assigned seats and start to get comfortable.

After about 15 minutes they tell us that everyone who’s NOT going to Krabi needs to get off the bus. Which means us.

Hmmmmk.

We wait a few more minutes outside until the grossest, oldest bus ever pulls up. THIS is what we paid for.

Umm, excuse me?

Ripped, bottom-class seats, light bulbs hanging from the roof, no space, dirty, dingy, etc. 12 hours on this thing? OMG.

My eyes start to water, but I hold it together.

At this point we’ve hit 10:30pm, and I’m ready to hit the road. But wait, we have to change busses one more time, to an equally old, maybe less dirty bus. Not. Pleasant.

They wait until they’ve filled the thing – 11:15ish, to take off. We make friends with our neighbor, a Thai girl who apparently used to be fat but is now a beautiful model, thanks to her fake boobs and hair. She’s on her way to meet up with her American boyfriend and his parents.

A German hottie sits next to her, and we all start chatting. Some time after I fall asleep, she apparently forgets her boyfriend and starts making out with the German. Classy Classy.

When we finally get off the bus, the Thai-model-rocket-scientist offers to help us find our way to the island with her. Since she has unlimited funds stuck in her hair, she doesn’t even ask how much everything is. We end up paying a scam-like rate for the bus and ferry, which only ices the cake that is this terrible ride down.

The last step was to herd us onto a huge ferry thing that FINALLY lands us on the island. Nate and fat-girl-turned-Thai-model-slut both grab motorbikes and head out. I end up on a sawatawng that tries to rip me off, so I jump off the back and find a new one. An hour and a half later I have a tank top sunburn, but I’m on the beach. And the sun has gone behind clouds, never to return for the entire length of my trip.

I was never so happy to see a shack and an outdoor shower in my entire life