Hanoi, Halong Bay, back to Hanoi. The end of the Vietnam journey. Part 1.

From beautiful Hoi An, Adam, my herpes and I headed to the capital of Vietnam, which is Hanoi.

Call me dumb, but I always figured Saigon was the capital. It’s not.

We loaded onto yet ANOTHER overnight bus, which proved to be the nightmare of all nightmare buses.

Broken toilet for 15 hourish ride? Check.
Attempt at scamming our fellow travelers and trying to leave them on the side of the road? Check.
Loud dude constantly yelling into his cell in Vietnamese? Check.
At least 5 brushes with death? Check.
Terribly loud Asian music videos blaring over your iPod until 1am? Check.
Bruises on knees from trying to stay in bed during near-death car passes? Check.
Getting jumped by 30 cab drivers crawling into the bus at 5am while you get dropped off miles from the center of town as promised? Check.
Additional scam at the end of the ride to force us into specific guesthouse? Check.
Crazy spinning cab meter that charges you 3 times for the cab ride that you shouldn’t have had to take because you were supposed to be dropped in the center of the city? Check.

The only saving grace was the load of fun backpackers in the back of the bus with us, and the monks and nuns holding up the front. For the most part, our company was pretty great.

And I managed to snag the over-the-toilet bed for a certain male travel companion. So he could stretch out. I’m the best, I know.

It really was scary as hell though. And loud. Even the locals thought so. Like this guy.

The bus driver kept swerving off the road and having to STOP the bus to not go off a cliff or whatever kind of road we were driving on. I ended up half sleeping in a ball, wrapping around a metal post and a safety belt, trying to keep myself from flying off the top bunk.

Imagine trying to stay on top of a bunk bed while participating in a high speed chase. It was like that.

Once we got to Hanoi, we were met with more unfriendliness. And rainy weather.

I should let Adam guest-blog here to talk about his gambling experiences. This is a formal invite.

The coffee was AMAZING in Hanoi, but that’s about all it had going for it. Other than ok Western food and a pretty great little bar that had hookah and drinks on a balcony where we could sit in peace and watch people get in motorbike accidents. Oh, and a park that I ran around TWICE, concluding my attempts at real physical activity for the remainder of the trip.

We went to a water puppet show, which Hanoi is kinda famous for. It was really cute, if not cheesy. But you know, when in Vietnam. It was a unique thing to do, blah blah.

The actual puppet show was developed around the flooding of the rice paddies and it’s still done with the old-style wooden puppets. We couldn’t take any pics, since you had to pay to get a camera permit. But EVERYONE else did. I’ve included stolen examples.

I swear, all I could concentrate on the ENTIRE time was what I wanted to say to all the terribly obnoxiously people that watched the whole 1.5 hour show from the lens of their HUGE cameras.

I think they could make a flip book and see the entire show again with how many prints they must have now. Maybe they should sell them. Or hang themselves with their neck strap.

Since is was kinda rainy and there wasn’t a lot to do, we just shopped, ate, and drank our way through Hanoi. Repeat.

One great, sharable moment, was when we went out for pizza. Because I was craving it.

My beautiful veggie pizza needed a little flava. So I grabbed for salt and pepper.

Not salty enough. A little more.

Seriously? I still want more? What’s my issue? Is it not coming out properly?

Alright Lis, that has to be enough salt …

Wow, what a dumbass. You’ve been trying to sprinkle your pizza with the lid from the toothpick holder. You. Are. Retarded.

Since we’d been traveling together for waaay too long at this point, Adam and I had a habit of going silent during meals. Or at least once the food hit the table. So this whole convo happened in my head. To myself.

So in the middle of the meal I just started laughing, loudly and hysterically, while pointing at the lid of the toothpick holder.

But don’t you SEE how I could have gotten confused? Right?

He didn’t even pay that much attention. He’s used to this kind of asinine behavior.

But I made him take a picture so I would remember to tell this little gem of a story. Because it’s where my true personality shines. Like on MySpace.

(If you don’t get this reference to my past dating experiences, please inquire for a recap.)

Hmm, and that’s all for Hanoi.

We went to Halong Bay too, and then went BACK to Hanoi, but I think I’ll make that a separate presentation. Because there are pretty pictures to go with it.