There are three drunk Americans on this bus … in Cairns

As I may have mentioned in a previous post, there was a serious outbreak of swine flu in Australia a few months back. As I prepped for my return to the States, it was decided that I should plan to stay away from the kids for my first week back in Oz. In case I was carrying pig sickness.

When the time came, it seemed like this was unnecessary and I could go straight back to work after 4 weeks off. Buuut, I already had a ticket to the Great Barrier Reef. Oh well.

Thanks to a delayed flight to LA from Detroit … and an even longer delay in LA to Sydney … I wasn’t even in Australia for 24 hours before getting on an early ass plane to Cairns. I met Schrama and Ufer in the airport around 5:30am or some shit. By 10am we were in Cairns, ready for trouble.

We checked into the hostel, got our keys and went to the room. And were met by a terrible drunk boy stench and some near-dead kids in a couple of dorm beds.

Three hours later, we returned to find them in the same exact state. As we quietly went about unpacking, I discovered a condom wrapper in my “clean” bed, wrapped in my “new” yet crumpled sheets.

No discussion necessary. In a blink of an eye we packed again, and were quickly moved into a girls only dorm on the other side of the building.

Ahh. Much better.

Our roommate was still weird, and woke up really early, and insisted on turning the fan off in the middle of the night and closing the door so I woke up sweating and annoyed. But at least she didn’t smell bad or have sex in my bed. That I know of.

I don’t think she thought much of us either. She told Schrama on our first day that she was staying a while. Then quietly slipped off at the crack of dawn on our second night.

Whatevs. We basically had the place to ourselves the rest of the time.

During our first day in we booked a couple of great tours. One was the obligatory snorkeling and diving on the reef. The second was a totally random tablelands trip that the girls had heard of in Sydney.

On day 2 we woke early in anticipation of our waterfall adventure. After watching many well-maintained tour buses drive by our place, we were a little worried we’d been left behind.

A few minutes later a raggedy-old hippie looking minivan pulls up, and out hops our crazy dreadlock-and-Thai-fisherman-pants-sporting Kiwi tour guide.

In case you don’t know, Kiwi means from New Zealand.

“Those are some nice teeth,” he says to Amanda. “Where you guys from?”

“Umm, thanks. The States.”

“How you guys feeling this morning?”

“We’re great, but the one with the teeth was out late last night. With an Aussie. She’s struggling.”

“Watch out everyone. We’ve got Americans.”

And that’s how the day started. And Team America was born.

We quickly made friends with our Kiwi guide. He was married the week before, to a Welsh girl who gave him a threesome for their 3-week dating anniversary. That’s when he knew she was the one.

He had everyone do a roll call as we drove to the tablelands, so we could get to know each other. Key points included country of origin, relationship status and whether you fold or scrunch your toilet paper.

I’m gonna propose that as an addition to the Facebook basic info page.

I said “depends on the job.” For the record.

We went to three sites throughout the day, for swimming/hiking/generally getting into trouble. At the first stop we had breakfast and the Kiwi taught me how to squeeze the butts off of green ants and eat them.

Tastes like lemon.

After dominating the natural waterslide and busting up both of my knees on boulders, we went to lunch. Seeing as we were so entertaining sober, our guide decided to buy us tequila shots to see what other stupid shit we would say.

I was instantly drunk. So I ordered soco and lime shots all around. And a beer.

And then I was wasted. “Whatever we do guys, do NOT let me swim.”

You guys are terrible friends.

As we boarded the bus again, our guide informed us of our next stop. “Oh, and you guys, there are 3 drunk Americans on this bus. I’m not gonna name names …”

As we pulled out, the super nice bar lady comes running out the door holding a purse. “It’s gotta belong to someone on Team America,” replies the Kiwi.

“LISA!”

“Aw, shit guys. Thanks. Seriously, I’m not allowed to swim”

Twenty minutes later I was swimming again, this time in the COLDEST effing water ever, into a fairly strong waterfall current.

I wasn’t going to go in, but, you know. It’s easy to convince me.

Sydney and I decided to swim for it. Her name wasn’t Sydney, but I bet you can guess where she was from.

Schrama went in, and Caitlin was forced in. As you’ll see in the video below. I drunkenly escaped, but went back in later.

You notice in this little clip that there’s a creepy old dude taking pictures. Before we got in the water, he tried to get us girls to pose for a bikini picture. He even offered some monies. We politely declined.

Apparently, that didn’t stop him.

No one noticed this happening at the time. It was only later, on the bus, that the evidence was discovered.

After swimming we went to the cheese and chocolate factory, where Caitlin and I drunkenly gorged ourselves on cheese and crackers. And felt immediately ill.

Last stop was a gorgeous lake that I didn’t catch on film. It was quiet, and warm, and I peed in it.

After a late drive back, we grabbed some dinner, and Schrama cashed early. Caitlin and I went out to meet some friends of hers from Sydney.

These guys had hit on the girls on a ferry in Sydney, and I hear that the whole day was a blast. Caitlin and her dude ended up having a good time, but Schrama’s man turned out to be crazy. I wasn’t sure I believed her story, and I was willing to give homeboy a second chance.

I gave it the old college try, for Caitlin’s sake. I couldn’t let her show up at the bar alone.

5 minutes in, and he was going on and on and on about how Schrama had broken his heart … after knowing her for 15 hours. 10 minutes after that, he was yelling at me – literally – for liking tequila.

I smiled knowingly at Cait, said my goodbyes, and walked home.

And that was our first full day in Cairns.

I’ll think I’ll make this a 2-parter. Or maybe 3. I think that would be fitting …