I can't believe I'm almost done

Sorry kids – not as much news here as there once was. The year is winding down, kids are getting nuts, and I’m trying to figure out the rest of my life. I have a few posts coming soon.

My last day is technically a week from today, with an English camp the following Monday and Tuesday. On Wednesday, March 11 I will set off from fair HangChat ... and may possibly never return. I can't believe it will be 5 months ... nuts. How time flies.

But you will all be happy to know that I will be back in NYC on July 24 to be the BEST MAN in my best friend’s wedding. I AM Julia Roberts. Except, you know, I’m not trying to hook up with the groom or anything. Let’s be clear.

Congrats Adam and Julienne!

I’m hopefully going to be hooked up with a job abroad still, so it’ll only be a quick visit. Pumped. Clear your calendars for time with yours truly.

More news coming on ExpatEscapade’s backpacking trip and new locations!!

I went to the ZOOOOOOOOOO

Fun fact about Lisa - I'm obsessed with going to the zoo.

I don't know why. It's just like a vanilla ice cream cone with sprinkles. Or mac-n-cheeze. No matter how old I get, I'm still totally drawn to these things. Like a 4 year old.

Yeah, whatever. Don't act like you're cooler than me.

So when we had a free 3-day weekend, I dragged Nate to the Chiang Mai Zoo. I was hype. Like, really really excited.

Unfortunately, Thai people are lazy, and the zoo was basically built to be seen from a train or monorail. We tried to walk it, but it was confusing and waaaaay spread out and not pedestrian friendly. Lame.

But we saw lions, and monkeys, and bears. No tigers. Lizards. I got to hold the snake.

It was hot man. Really hot. Thailand is really really hot.


Oh, and they have this crazy bird with a beak on it's head. That was cool.

Happy belated Valentine's Day! You know, and updates.

I know - it's really not a blog if I don't update often. Whatever. Blame the third world.

It's been killer hot here lately, which means I take naps a lot ... which means I don't blog ... blah blah. This worries me, since it's not even the "hot season" yet.

But Happy Belated Hallmark Holiday, everyone. I hope you enjoyed yours as much as I enjoyed mine.

The girls came to HangChat. 2 motorbikes, 5 people and luggage and sleeping gear for 3. Kelly and Marianne got into town at 2am, so we drove everyone in around 2:30am, with all gear in hand. I wish I had taken a picture - it was quite a sight.

The next day we went SHOPPING. Markets and outlets and Thai goods - oh my! I was exhausted by the end.

Then we ate a lot, and played cards, and ate some more and drank a TON. We even played Texas Hold'em with rice as chips, which, again, I wish I had gotten a picture of.

It was honestly one of my favorite Valentine's Days of all time. No drama, lots of love, lots of food and drink. It was relaxing and a blast. Sadly, it might be the last time we all party together in this country :(

I'm done teaching March 10 or something. Then it's off on a whirlwind adventure to Cambodia, Vietnam, maybe Lao and Malaysia? And then ... who knows. I have a few tricks up my sleeve, but I'm not ready to reveal them yet.

I miss you guys. Email me, bitches.

Stay warm over there. I heard it's been a killer winter.

Phu-chee-fa – The Sea of Fog

After one failed attempt to go see the notorious “sea of fog,” the girls made a solid plan to get ourselves on the mountain in celebration of Juliette’s quarter-century birthday.

Phu-chee-fa, which translates to “mountain near the sky,” isn’t normally found in the Lonely Planet-farang guide, but is notorious in Thailand. If one ventures at sunrise to the top peak of this mountain, which overlooks the Thai/Lao border, you can see what literally appears to be a sea of fog. When the air is cold is creates a white wash below the peak – all you can see are the tops of the neighboring mountains below. In the day’s first light these peaks look like little islands in the ocean. It’s truly a beautiful site.

Juliette managed to get us a tour guide for the day, which seemed to be the only way to get up to the mountain without personal transportation. It was quite a climb, so I’m glad we didn’t attempt to rent the Jeep ourselves. For the first time in my Thai adventures, I was actually motion sick on the way up. This may or may not had something to do with the candy-coated peanuts.

A couple of hours later we landed at the base of the mountain, ready to set up camp. Our guide hooked us up with 3 teeny tents and a pile of blankets. We slept on a broken out cliff on the opposite side of the mountain, which, again, was gorg.

A few little kids from the orphanage in town came by and asked us if we would like tour guides in the morning. They were willing to let us name any price, and they would come get us at 5am to make it to the sunrise. We couldn’t resist.

After a delicious meal of random meats and veggies grilled on sticks, along with a pile of American-style chocolate, we settled in for what was looking like a sorta lame evening. We hadn’t bought enough beer – ugh.

In comes a troupe of 15-ish Thai college kids, roaring and ready to have a good time. Before pitching a tent, a cutie named Arm came to serenade us by the fire.

After he had jumped up and offered us shots of Thai whiskey – the instant cure to sobriety – we decided to come down and make friends.

Exactly 30 minutes and 3-ish shots later, I was wasted. I wandered over to find the other girls, sadly, not as wasted. We went to work on fixing that.

Arm tried to seduce me by the fire, and when I resisted he simply laid down on our campfire blanket and passed out. Hilarious. His friends came by to torture him and carry him away, eventually. To be honest, he was behind me and I hadn’t realized he was there.

I’m a terrible person.

Our tour guide from Chiang Rai called to say that 5am was actually too early – he’d be by around 6 to pick us up.

We all rolled into bed around 1 or so, restlessly sleeping until around 4:30. Which is when the rudest, most obnoxious person ever started blowing a whistle and talking into a loudspeaker to wake up all the drunk people who were planning to go to the top of a mountain.

The Americans all tried to sleep, but that was interrupted by the sound of little kiddies and the blazing flashlights into our tents. Our orphanage tour guides hadn’t been informed of the time change, so they were ready to go and at our tents at 4:50. AM!!!

We lazily rolled out of bed and crawled to the Thai kids’ fire that was still burning warm. As we rolled up our tents, our little guides decided that we sucked and decided to re-roll everything for us. Score.

All of a sudden we heard screaming and crashing near the bathrooms below us. It seems that a drunky had attempted to drive his truck uphill, on the side of a cliff, in the dark, without use of his first gear. The end of the story is he had to jump out of the moving vehicle as it crashed over 2 smaller cliffs before rolling into a deep ravine. This really woke everyone up.

We saw him later on the mountain top, smiling and seemingly not concerned about his truck being in a ditch. I love the Thai.

Our original tour guide arrived at 6, we packed our things in the truck and headed to the Phu. A short climb with a large crowd of Thai people and we experienced this. Gorgeous sunrise, a sea of fog … all we had dreamed of and more.

The end was pretty anticlimactic – some rice soup, a short, drowsy ride to Chiang Rai and a shitty ride back to Lampang. KIM’S story is much better.

And that was that.

Lesson See - I'm Magic

Yup, you heard me. MAGIC. Or, for KellyHelderBoobs, I'll say that I'm like Jesus. Touch me and you're healed. Forever.

What does this mean? It means that Thai people - especially old women in villages and smaller towns - think that it's good luck to touch white people. I've heard that they do this with blond hair in China - lucky for me I'm a brunette these days.

At first I thought I was imagining it when a random old lady would reach out and touch me. Then it occurred to me that, nope, I wasn't crazy this time - that lady actually DID just stroke me.

In Sukohothai, I was trying to wai my respect to an ancient lady walking out of the bathroom, and she used it as a chance to drag her hand from my shoulder to my waist. Just par for the course.

It hit an all-time comedic moment when I was trying to leave the grocery store last week, and some woman made a beeline across the aisle to grab my ass. Literally. I saw her walking towards me, tried to dodge because I thought I was in her way, and watched her follow me and take a grab as I passed. I kept walking, but started cracking up and almost lost the groceries. It took a few seconds for me to catch my breath to explain to Nate why I was hyperventilating.

I mean, what else do you do but laugh? I didn't really mind - that's the most action I've seen in weeks.

Lesson Saam - Thai Lawn Care

This weekend I've decided to stay home and relax. Catch up on laundry/postcards/blogs about my last couple of weekends. I woke up early, threw in some whites and relaxed in front of a book with a cup of tea.

Imagine my dismay when the entire field next to our house went up in flames.

Nope, this was no wildfire. This was lawn care.

Here in Thailand, the common solution to leaves and long grass is just to set that shit on fire. Seriously.

Last week, Nate and I had to drive through a cloud of smoke over the highway that was so thick, we had to cover our faces and speed through to the other side totally blind. We turned around to see that an entire field was in flames, with a small crew standing by to "handle" it.

Apparently, the janitors didn't know that we were home, so they didn't give us any warning as to what was happening. At first, it was hilarious. Then I started coughing and was much less amused.

They burned the entire field around our back porch, extending the length of the school campus. This shit would never fly in the States. We can't even have bonfires!

Lesson Saam - if you're lawn looks unkempt, just burn it down and start over. Problem solved.

I'm having a blast - but still, Thailand really kicks my ass

Others certainly have it worse – mainly Kim – but still, Thailand has really been kicking my ass lately. Which is why you haven’t heard from me as much as you might like.

This week alone, I’ve:

-woken up to a trail of spider/mosquito bites from my left shoulder blade to my neck to my right bicep. Plus, you know, a few detours on my thigh/ass. And my lip, which is a first.

- burned my leg on the exhaust pipe of the motorbike. It doesn’t’ seem too bad, but it just happened Wednesday. It certainly looks gross. I’ll let you know how it goes.

- been called fat a dozen or so times, sometimes in front of a large group. One of these times it was pointed out that I USED to be beautiful, but I’m not anymore. Then that person insisted that I tell them my current weight in pounds so we could convert it into kilograms so he could tell me how overweight I really am. (side note – upon last visit to a scale, I’m exactly the same as I was when I left NYC.)

- also been ridiculed for my lack of Thai fluency, and otherwise made fun of in a language I don’t understand. Also in front of a large group.

- ended up on a shitty short-distance fan bus that you’re never ever supposed to take, especially on long-distance trips. Twice. Four hours each way.

- spent 14 hours on a field trip from hell that included endless torture from a bitchy teacher, a karoke machine and mic that was managed by students and a flat tire on a full bus only 40 kilometers from home.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I still love Thailand, and all that. I just wanted to share another side of the seemingly flawless existence I have right now. Along with getting retarded on the weekends, I’m cultivating my abilities for patience, kindness, understanding and acceptance. But it certainly isn’t easy.

I’m planning to check into the Buddhist Center for meditation soon. Maybe that will help me a bit.