Greatest.Text.Ever.

This had to be shared. Even though it really has nothing to do with anything.

Allow me to set it up.

Last weekend I went to a super dorky expat mixer thing and met a cool group of people who are willing to adopt me.

They were expats. Imagine that.

In any case, we went to a few bars/restaurants, and ended up at this club. While my friend went up to get drinks, this tall, chiseled, hot-ish, serious-looking dude slides into the empty chair next to me and starts spitting up lines. In some crazy Russian/Ukrainian accent.

FIRST, he said he came over to ask me why I looked upset. Then I looked sad. Then I was pretty, and he just had to come talk to me.

Whatever dude. You were way more attractive before you opened your mouth.

Then he went on about making friends, as he lit up a cigarette and stood over me. Once my friend was back, I kicked this kid out.

So I'm not really interested in his bullshit, obviously. But EVERY time I go to the bar, or bathroom, or hot dog stand, here's Steve. Sounding like the Terminator. Trying to get me to meet his friends and shit.

I'm starting to think that they tattooed "EASY" on my forehead at customs. In a special ink that only really-full-of-themselves-dudes can read.

I played nice, sorta, since it was my first time out in Sydney clubs. Didn't want to start up on the wrong foot.

I mocked him under my breath instead of out loud.

As I make a beeline for a street sausage, he insists on taking my number, and I just gave it to him. Because I figured he'd never ever use it.

Sunday morning, I get a text from Steve.

"Hello troublemaker, you miss me yet? ;)"

Yes, it included the emoticon. No embellishments here.

Umm, miss you? Yes, terribly ...

Not responding. Maybe if I stand still he won't see me, and he'll just go away.

Missed call later that afternoon.

Second missed call later in the week.

We started a real relationship, I think. He calls, I don't answer. He sends a text, I don't answer. Etc.

Yesterday, this relationship ended. Officially.

"Hey America, I feel like out marriage is going nowhere. We should take a break. We don't talk like we used to. I can't even remember the last time we had sex! It's not you, it's me. You keep the kids, I'll take the Porshe.

PS - You're sleeping on the couch.

Ta."

I almost want to ask him out now. Just because this text is so amazing.

And creepy. And totally uncalled for.

!?!?!? Can someone explain this to me?

Never.calling.him.