It’s still like a scene from "The Beach" – minus crazy people who won’t let you go to Bangkok.

We went to bed super early in Pattaya, since there was really nothing spectacular about the nightlife. I mean, if you’re a white dude from the West who’s wife is at home while you’re in Thailand working out a mid-life crisis, you might disagree. As it were, I don’t fall into that bubble. And neither does Kim.

So we woke up at the ass crack of dawn to get on a minibus at 7:30. That’s AM. Au Bon Pain opened at 7 and offered a cost-efficient breakfast menu. Score.

A mini-bus took us on a little journey to Ban Phae, a port city, which led to a tug-boat, which led to what I called the refugee boat, although I’m sure there’s a much more PC name for it. But seriously, refugees come over on similar “boats.”

It was a floating deck with a motor attached, and we all had to jump off the tugboat onto the deck, with luggage, while chugging along in the island’s bay. Without falling in. And that still wasn’t the end - even the platform couldn’t make it all the way in – so we eventually had to lose the shoes and jump in the water, still holding our luggage, and walk ourselves onto dry land. Which wasn’t a huge deal for me, but seemed to seriously annoy some prissy Euro-trash on a day tour of the islands.

At this point we were a little confused as to where we had landed on the island, so we just went to the taxi lane and asked them to take us to the backpacker beach, Ao Hin Kohk.

Thanks again, Lonely Planet, for making all of my decisions for me. You suck with restaurant picks, but you get the guesthouse thing pretty right on.

Well, the cab driver informs us that the entire minibus costs 200 baht to rent one way. Which is kinda a lot. We can take it now, or wait an undetermined amount of time and hope that someone will share it with us.

Boopants.

So we decide to wait. And then we decide to try and walk. And then we realize that we’re really far away, and there’s no way we can walk. So we go back to the cabbies and wait again.

A nice German couple is there, willing to share the cab. But it’s still pretty steep, even with 4 people. We suggest waiting for a few more to lessen the blow. Like, 8 more people.

They convert the cost to Euros and explain that it’s still very cheap. We explain that we are on Thai budgets, and we’re American, so either way their reasoning won’t really work for us.

In a grand gesture we walk away and sit down, out of earshot of the German man trying unsuccessfully to bargain with the Thai drivers. Just to show that, while we wish we could, we simply cannot pay that much for such a short ride.

In the end they decide that they will pay the 200 to rent, and we can ride for free.

Yay Germans.

So that was awesome.

We make it to the backpacker’s area and land at Naga’s Bungalows, a nice little wooden place with little bungalows built into the side of the cliff. Excellent. One room left, will be clean in 30 minutes. Sounds great, thanks.


It was camping, really. I loved it, but let’s call it what it was. The bungalow was a wooden box on sticks that floated on a slant in the jungle. Inside was a piece of cement with a single sheet on it, covered in mosquito netting, which resembled a bed. No furniture, concrete floors, an old fan, no screen. No blankets or anything to cover yourself with. No towels.

“Shared bathrooms” were outdoor showers with no hot water and outdoor squat toilets. No sink, etc. But there WAS toilet paper, and that was something.

Again, I actually loved this place, even if it was really hard to sleep. We just didn’t sleep, really – we could do that on the beach during the day.

The rest of the day passed peacefully, uneventful – it was cloudy, and some fat farang got tipped in their kayaks and had to give up without getting out of the bay. Kim and I made up a dialogue that included them walking the kayaks back to the rental stand and insisting that the boats were broken. We.Are.Hilarious.

As we’re walking back to the guesthouse I see – wait, could it be? – Juliette!!! And Stephen. I see her EVERYWHERE – Chiang Mai, and now Koh Samet? This is an island that’s at least a 15 hour trip from where we live. Nuts.

Later that night we all grab some margaritas, and then wine, and then beer, fried rice, noodles, mussels, huka, cigs and weeds – the craziest combo my body has experienced in one night. Ever. But, I mean, with the waves crashing and the lights on the beach and the dancing, who could resist? Then Stephen requested “Love Generation” from the DJ and we had a tribute dance for Bob Sinclair on the beach among fire dancers and waves and smoking objects that were recently lit with gasoline. Beautiful.

I think the combo hit us all a little abruptly – add that to the early morning traveling, and Kim and I were beat. We made it to 1am, which was pretty late considering the shenanigans started at 6ish. And we had been awake FOREVER.

The other days were all kinda of a blur of poached eggs, banana shakes, white sand, turquoise water, huka, Singha and Europeans in string bikinis. And some peddlers on the beach, but not as many. And a ton of crazy dogs. There was a reggae bar with “coyote” dancers in lingerie that we hit up one night. I’m getting bored with the naked girl thing.

I got an awesome tan, which eventually started to peel on my back a few days ago. I rubbed it with aloe every day for a week after I burned, and I STILL peeled. Eff you, green slimy shit. Your label LIED to me.

Since my ass was burned – literally, my ass – we decided to explore the island on a rented ATV – or 4 wheeler if you’re from the Midwest. The blue beast was the best idea ever – she took all around the island, which was quite a distance, on the most treacherous roads ever.

There is 1 road on the island, which works for all motor and foot traffic. It’s totally sand/dirt with HUGE potholes, and is extremely steep and windy. So all of these foreigners on motorbikes, crazy Thai mini buses and little kiddies walking around use the same dangerous, narrow street. God help us.

The man at the rental place showed me the break, handed me a map and reminded me that I should drive on the left side of the road. Peace out. See you in 10 hours.

Kim was brave enough to let me drive first, since I have recent motorbike operation experience. You can ask her how she feels about that decision now.

I wish we took pics driving, but we were both too busy fearing for our lives. I was sore the next day from clutching everything with every muscle with all the strength I had just to stay on the damn thing.

At the first beach we stop to visit, we park the beast. And she starts to roll. Thankfully, Kim noticed before we lost her.

The beach was secluded, quiet, beautiful – and it had a SWING.

We basically did this all day – drive to a beach, swim, sleep, explore, take pics, repeat.

We’ve reached that point in the story where I can’t explain myself – it’s just a gorgeous, unreal island, where white sand beaches hit cliffs that hit really blue water. Some of the areas have reefs in them, and you can see it from the shore. I’ve honestly never seen anything quite like it before. So the pics here and on fb will have to tell the story for me.

This state of awesomeness lasted all day. We were soooo tired by the time we were done, we decided to head back to the hostel and watch the movie they were showing in the living room. And order huge sundaes like they make in the States, complete with a brownie. I don’t know the last time I saw a brownie. It was beautiful, really.

We reluctantly left on Tuesday afternoon after 3.5 days of bliss on the island, and another 2 in Pattaya. It was back to the boats and busses.

I left Koh Samet at 1pm on Tuesday. I arrived in HangChat at 4:30am on Wednesday.

After 8 hours of dosing on the overnight bus in complete dark and silence, the steward turns on the lights and shakes me.

HANGCHAT HANGCHAT HANGCHAT.

Umm, ok, thanks? Lemme grab my bag, put on my shoes …

HANGCHATHANGCHATHANGCHAT.

Oook, my bag is still under the bus…. – oh, wait, you’re throwing it at me now.

The bus barely stopped before I was on the ground. I was still sleeping. At 4:30 in the morning, on the side of the road, alone in rural Thailand. Sound like the beginning of a bad horror flick?

Luckily Nate is nice sometimes and picked me up right away. And I went to bed, which felt like heaven after sleeping in the bungalow. Although it seemed a little quiet without the noise from the reggae bar to rock me to sleep.

And I spent the next few days wishing I were back on the beach and begging Nate to put aloe on my back. Last time. I promise. Wait, did you miss a spot? Is it peeling yet? Does it look burned? Etc.

More beach time to come - Koh Samui in 1.5 weeks. And then Koh Pha-Ngan for the full moon party on NYE. We’re sure to have some stories after that one. Let’s just hope I’m not in Thai prison.

Just kidding, Mom ;)